James Sirius Potter and the Hogwarts Toilet Seat
by MsMacBeth10
Summary: After being dared by Rose to steal a Hogwarts toilet seat, James must make his way to Hogwarts, in the summer, and back without getting caught. Can he return successfully with Myrtle and Filch around?  One shot.


**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters belong to the amazing JK Rowling. And no, I'm not just kidding.**

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><p>Hogsmeade. The only all-wizarding village in Britain. And that was the only reason why no one bothered to scream out in surprise when James Sirius Potter suddenly appeared out of nowhere, clutching a bag full of Wildfire Whiz-bangs from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes he had just bought a while ago en route. Hogsmeade was the closest place to Hogwarts where Apparation was permitted. Although usually, during the summer, the school doors remained shut and no students were permitted in, but James, being James, knew many of the secret passages inside—among them the one in Honeydukes. He opened the door and walked in, hoping he didn't look suspicious for any reason.<p>

It wasn't crowded, but at least there were some people. James proceeded into the basement, taking out the Marauders' Map (which he stole from inside his father's desk, which he gave to Al, and which was later returned to him), and muttered under his breath as he tapped it with his wand, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." And he _was_ up to no good. His cousin Rose had just dared him to steal a toilet seat from Hogwarts. It was the most absurd dare he had ever encountered, but he figured it would be interesting. He loved pranks and jokes and those sort of stuff, anyway. It was probably Uncle George and the late Uncle Fred's genes inside him that made him this way. On the map, he spotted Filch and Miss Norris lurking—that's what he believed they were doing—in the dungeons. He would be safe for a while. He pulled his father's Invisibility Cloak over himself and sneaked into the hidden tunnel. As he finally entered Hogwarts, he held his breath, hoping there weren't any alarms.

There wasn't. He laughed at the lack of security over the summer. Quickly pulling himself together, he debated which bathroom he should go to to accomplish his mission. Obviously not the Prefects'. He didn't know the password. Maybe the girls' bathroom where the Chamber of Secrets was. Yes, _that_ would be fun. He made his way there with no problems, removing the Cloak as he entered. A sound that seemed to be a mix of a giggle and a sob came from somewhere above. "What is a student doing here in the middle of summer? Not to mention a _boy_!"

Moaning Myrtle. Great, he had completely forgotten about her. He looked up, and there she was, watching him as if deciding whether to alert the entire school or to keep silent. "From what you're saying, it sounds as if you've never met a boy before."

"Not in the summer, no."

Raising an eyebrow, James dumped the assortment of fireworks out of the bag. "Don't tell me you've never met a boy in the summer?"

"I-I mean, I've never met a boy in the summer in the girls' lavatory," She said, giggling nervously in an attempt to hide her mistake as she flew down to study him. "What are you doing here, and who are you?"

James opened the door to one of the toilets, wondering how he should blast it off. "You need to get your priorities straight, Myrtle. It's usually the other way around. 'Who are you and what are you doing here?'"

Her eyes widened, her cheeks became whiter, which James assumed must be an attempt to blush. "Oh, do excuse me."

Sighing, James answered her anyway, just to shut her up. "James Sirius Potter, and I'm here because I was just dared to steal a Hogwarts toilet seat. Now, will you please shut up so I can finish what I came here to do and leave?"

She giggled again. "How flattering," she said, "Potter. Somehow that name is very familiar."

James wondered how him asking her to shut up was flattering. She didn't even seem to mind that he was here to steal a toilet seat. "That would be because, well, Harry Potter is my father."

She gaped at him. "H-Harry's your father? What about your mother?"

"Ginny Weasley," he answered, and when she looked a little confused, he added, "You know, the girl who chucked a diary accidentally at you all those years ago when the Chamber of Secrets was opened?"

Myrtle suddenly scowled. "Her? I disapprove."

"Too late," James smirked, pointing at himself. "If you'll excuse me—_Incendio_!" He pointed his wand at the fireworks, tossing them into the stall.

She shrieked, yelling, "What are you doing, James?"

"Did you not hear why I came here?" He carefully inspected the damage afterwards. It wasn't much, and the toilet seat was still a toilet seat with a few burn marks here and there. Rose wasn't going to mind. She had asked for a toilet seat, and if she got a burnt one, there's nothing she can do. He had successfully completed the dare.

As she flew out of the bathroom, James sneaked out after her, quickly hiding himself and the toilet seat with the Invisibility Cloak. "BOY IN THE SCHOOL! SOMEONE HAS BROKEN INTO HOGWARTS! DO SOMETHING BEFORE HE DESTROYS US ALL!" Myrtle screamed somewhere in the distance. Shaking his head, James found the statue of the one-eyed witch.

"My, my, look what we have here? Perhaps I should report this to Professor Morgan," a voice growled next to his ear. Professor Morgan was the new headmistress after Professor McGonagall's retirement. James realized the Cloak had fallen off as he stared, wide-eyed, at a certain Filch.

Without hesitating, he hissed, "_Dissendium,_" before sprinting into the passage.

"YOU WAIT RIGHT THERE, BOY! I WILL HAVE YOU EXPELLED BEFORE YOU CAN SAY 'OWL'!" Filch roared after him.

James turned and, to Filch's horror, grinned evilly. "BUT MR. FILCH," he yelled back just as loudly, "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPEL ME, 'CAUSE I'M NO LONGER A STUDENT HERE! I LEFT HOGWARTS LAST YEAR! REMEMBER ME? JAMES POTTER. HA HA HA!" Still roaring with laughter, he left a stunned Filch standing there as he safely made his way back to Honeydukes before Apparating back to The Burrow.

He decided that this was the best dare someone had given him in ages. Somehow, he was going to have to thank Rose. She really was brilliant.

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><p><strong>An:**

**This is a 'side-story' based on _The Rose and The Scorpion_ (if you've read the Truth or Dare chapter). Review? :) **


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